tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19029521427825827072024-02-19T19:20:14.456-05:00Our Kali AlexaTraceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18020289867613933425noreply@blogger.comBlogger63125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1902952142782582707.post-36373362222579695742010-06-13T20:51:00.003-04:002010-06-13T21:01:55.156-04:00One Year<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaBrmZpTdSPcGYgKuh1C070_tMXHBIbMbcnDwBew_JOv5Ubw0h5TQxk1xb_kPUL6UWHfia7q9Bqz-NQ4WsvQOP4X_7WrD_Ml4V9axEKU6fSpuSCDuo34yONzwqNBTt08HoKz5MyvoDwC0/s1600/Kalipicnotubes.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 238px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5482427545433570002" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaBrmZpTdSPcGYgKuh1C070_tMXHBIbMbcnDwBew_JOv5Ubw0h5TQxk1xb_kPUL6UWHfia7q9Bqz-NQ4WsvQOP4X_7WrD_Ml4V9axEKU6fSpuSCDuo34yONzwqNBTt08HoKz5MyvoDwC0/s320/Kalipicnotubes.jpg" /></a><br /><div></div><br /><div>Today marks one full year that you have been gone. One full year of living with tremendous heartache and pain.</div><br /><div>I hate thinking about what was taking place one year ago today. Reliving it is so painful. The day we had to say goodbye to our baby, our angel. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.</div><br /><div>How I have made it one year without you is beyond me. How I pushed through every moment, every day, knowing that I can no longer see your precious face, your precious smile. Knowing that I can no longer hold you, sing to you, and cuddle you. And I have to continue on for you...to make you proud... So you can look down and say "That's my mommy!".</div><br /><div>I miss you more than any words could ever explain. But I know deep down that you can feel my love that I have for you. </div><br /><div>You took a piece of me, a piece of daddy, and piece of all our friends and family the day you went away.</div><br /><div>You will be remembered forever by the many who knew of you. The many hearts you touched, who still carry you with them today.</div><br /><div>Such a tiny little girl who lived too short of a life, made a huge impact on the world.</div><br /><div>I love you so much baby girl.....I always will. You are my special angel and I will miss you forever.</div><br /><div>Until we meet again.......</div>Traceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18020289867613933425noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1902952142782582707.post-32704541026257058442010-04-10T02:12:00.000-04:002010-04-13T22:59:38.782-04:00Happy First Birthday in Heaven Love Bug!<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvyHgiHm3HPik85YO-XSma2FRNyEdq7OU7dp_Y0BzCOAeCLmU3uhuA9EIGkOM_yOpJkMLRnok-UQpztGHA4SzLP7919FKa9_no_BdDVs8xOJy8KaR_0VN0SybVvkIJjDaS2l8VcEC6VNs/s1600/100_2744.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 240px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5459822227591408994" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvyHgiHm3HPik85YO-XSma2FRNyEdq7OU7dp_Y0BzCOAeCLmU3uhuA9EIGkOM_yOpJkMLRnok-UQpztGHA4SzLP7919FKa9_no_BdDVs8xOJy8KaR_0VN0SybVvkIJjDaS2l8VcEC6VNs/s320/100_2744.jpg" /></a><br /><div>Today is your first birthday. It makes us all so sad that you are not here to share it with us! What a party it would have been! Instead, we will have a different kind of party to raise money to help sick babies and children. </div><br /><div>I can't believe that this day is really here! I can't believe that one year ago today we were blessed with such a tiny angel who fought so hard! A perfect child in our eyes, a little baby girl that stole our hearts! </div><br /><div>I wish that you were still here! I wish that I could hold you again. I often wonder what you would look like right now. I think you would look a lotlike your big sister! You looked so much like her as a newborn that it only makes sense. Sometimes when I look at her, I get a glimpse of you. </div><br /><div>We miss you so much baby! I hope you can feel our love in Heaven! Happy Birthday Kali!</div>Traceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18020289867613933425noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1902952142782582707.post-42935030068458739552010-04-06T10:19:00.003-04:002010-04-06T10:33:47.871-04:00Kiss from your sisterWe stopped by the <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">cemetery</span> today to check on things and to say hi. Marissa gave you a kiss before we left. It both warmed my heart and shattered it at the same time. You big sister loves you so much and talks about you everyday. Whenever we see flowers she asks if they are for you. It just rips my heart apart that you two never met in this life. She never got to kiss your cheek or talk to you.<br />For a girl she never met, she sure is in love with you!!!<br />I miss you so much Kali!<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7yHQAgo_V3slxi5OlnJZDMVx6xD-GfaGsKgbWCJH53tYqxPQZp6li9qpw8jtD-4I9LDdAqO0lugyn8SwV3a4sApHRL_ZW6FZKyEYibcrDZ9GeFqm7HgnXQBAj22LXzvTMMQF26OFYqvw/s1600/RisskissKali.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 240px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5457029301152507810" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7yHQAgo_V3slxi5OlnJZDMVx6xD-GfaGsKgbWCJH53tYqxPQZp6li9qpw8jtD-4I9LDdAqO0lugyn8SwV3a4sApHRL_ZW6FZKyEYibcrDZ9GeFqm7HgnXQBAj22LXzvTMMQF26OFYqvw/s320/RisskissKali.jpg" /></a>Traceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18020289867613933425noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1902952142782582707.post-23296503514222148752010-03-30T14:04:00.001-04:002010-03-30T14:04:53.979-04:00For the Love of Kali :: Lebanon Daily News Classifieds<a href=http://ldnews.ca.kaango.com/ads/viewad?adid=16473275>For the Love of Kali :: Lebanon Daily News Classifieds</a><br /><br />Posted using <a href="http://sharethis.com">ShareThis</a>Traceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18020289867613933425noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1902952142782582707.post-1575638281976105702010-03-13T16:04:00.001-05:002010-03-16T10:36:26.813-04:009 months<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGeFamwLl3dFGbZ72AqPt5dNKJ3Ri6UohFRx3KV3q_WZ4llPylhwvreR9oqg8IaHsGcanYkntUSrFx_P4QJJWN8QB_Xmn9P4RMmaOXKeCFTYOHvbXF8GUVziGdQPRJYg3Luhk4Qp_wJos/s1600-h/100_2770.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 240px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5448583079685423266" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGeFamwLl3dFGbZ72AqPt5dNKJ3Ri6UohFRx3KV3q_WZ4llPylhwvreR9oqg8IaHsGcanYkntUSrFx_P4QJJWN8QB_Xmn9P4RMmaOXKeCFTYOHvbXF8GUVziGdQPRJYg3Luhk4Qp_wJos/s320/100_2770.jpg" /></a> As I sat here looking at your pictures (and some videos) trying to decide which one to put on this month's post, I couldn't help but cry, smile, laugh, and cry some more. You were an amazing little girlie! Looking at each one I could remember the days we spent there with you. I could remember the machines beeping, the phone call we had to make asking to come back to see you, the other babies crying.....never knowing that this would be our outcome.<br />We so badly wanted you to come home. We wanted you to be surrounded by all of us and feel all the love our huge family can bring. You have so many aunts, uncles, cousins, and little friends, in addition to us, your big brother and sister, and your grandparents. The love each of us has for you runs deep, it always will.<br />I know it is coming, but I cannot believe that your birthday is only a month away! It seems like yesterday that I was in the hospital on bedrest and giving birth to you. It seems like only yesterday that I held your little hand and touched your little toes....I wish it was only yesterday and I wish I could still do it today.<br />I never thought that the party I would be planning for your first birthday would be in your memory and not with you physically here. It is going to be a tough day. But, in case you didn't notice, your mommy is very stubborn and determined in making things happen. I will get through that day, missing you greatly, as I do everyday, but at the same time I feel I will be at peace with the outcome of your big event.<br />You are a special girl little love bug. You have touched a lot of hearts. You have meant, and do mean, a lot of things to a lot of people.<br />I love you baby girl! Please smile down on us when you get the chance!Traceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18020289867613933425noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1902952142782582707.post-50721322388585268362010-02-13T19:29:00.002-05:002010-02-13T20:17:47.501-05:008 Months Of Missing You<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuiTqjTfImIY_MGdbWxIOjU0VthG1va_JBXcOukAt7efk8BHFjOWmsleRHcj0C6Zb5X3mJ58ABbucy9zSku-9IrkK2NvZR0Ia_T2Kk-e93GFq5STiHgvpD-EPfgkZaTmjw5VLyktOdzUI/s1600-h/100_2861.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5437890018257070034" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 240px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuiTqjTfImIY_MGdbWxIOjU0VthG1va_JBXcOukAt7efk8BHFjOWmsleRHcj0C6Zb5X3mJ58ABbucy9zSku-9IrkK2NvZR0Ia_T2Kk-e93GFq5STiHgvpD-EPfgkZaTmjw5VLyktOdzUI/s320/100_2861.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div>I am sure I have said it before that my heart hurts, every single day. Although I have learned how to function with this pain, no matter how many times I laugh or smile, the pain is always there. I guess it will be there forever. </div><div>Today has been 8 months since the worst day of my life. I would have rather had all my limbs torn from my body then have had you torn from my world. It sucks. I know that no amount of physical pain tops the emotional pain we feel from losing you.</div><div>This month seems to be especially hard as I think back to where we were last year at this time. My pregnancy to this point had been uneventful, aside from the unrelenting nausea, that I had with your Go Go and Sis Sis's pregnancies as well. On February 18th Daddy and I went for the "BIG" ultrasound. We were going to see our little bug and find out if you were a boy or a girl. I swore that you were a boy, I don't know why. Obviously, I was wrong (I don't admit that often, and never to Daddy, so that is a secret)! We were told that everything was "perfect". I will never forget that.</div><div>The following day the nurse called and said they only saw the two vessels in your cord, instead of the normal three. I needed to have further testing, but the nurse said "9 times out of 10 the baby is perfectly healthy so don't worry too much". On February 24th, the day before my 28th birthday, we met with the fetal cardiologist to see if you had any heart problems (one of the common issues that can arise with babies who have a 2 vessel cord). That is when our world changed forever.</div><div>The doctor brought up termination. I wanted to punch him in his face. He couldn't even confirm your heart problems and that was never an option for us anyway. I knew that you were a fighter! I worked night shift a lot through my pregnancy with you and you would stay awake kicking and squirming, keeping me company through my shift. If had a bad night at work, you would move even more! Your kicks and movements were relaxing! It was always my favorite part of being pregnant. And you always let me know you were there. There was no way we were giving up on you! We never did. We fought until the end, until you told us that you were ready to go. </div><div>For some reason I knew that day that we would say goodbye. It was just a nagging feeling that I tried to ignore. You had that rough day before, but you were doing so well so I thought I was just overly paranoid. We didn't plan on coming back to visit you that day until later in the evening, but I got this overwhelming anxiety and just knew we had to get there sooner.</div><div>I had kept in contact with your nurse, Rachel, all day. You were behaving yourself, but I just couldn't shake the feeling. When we got there, you went from good to bad pretty quickly, and then it was over. It was as if you waited for me and Daddy so you could say goodbye. I am grateful that we were there to hold your hand as they fought so hard to keep you with us. But you knew it was time to go. </div><div>I talked to your other nurse, Terri, and she told me that a few days before she knew you were getting ready. You didn't show any physical signs, she just knew. She is like the baby whisperer, people may think that is crazy, but I know what she was saying. She also told me that she felt that you chose Daddy and me to be your parents. That when God was getting ready to send you to us, He told you that you wouldn't be here for long and that you were ok with that. You picked us because you knew we would give you the love and care you needed and you would give us all that love in return.</div><div>You gave us an amazing gift. You taught us so much about love, strength, and family bond. Your memory has held us together and allowed us to push through the painful times. We feel that if our little Bug could go through what you did, we can go through whatever life throws at us, head on, and come out on the other side, still standing, still in one piece, and still with you on our side!</div><div>You have inspired many, some of who I have never met, to live life to the fullest and to not take for granted the little ones they have been blessed with. I wish all of those people could have met you. </div><div>When I look at your pictures I am always amazed at how perfect you looked on the outside. Such a cute baby (good genes from your Mommy!!) and even with all of the things you had attached, your cuteness is what everyone noticed first. You knew how to rock those "accessories"!</div><div>I will always miss you , Kali. I will always think of you, everyday. I will always hold those special 9 weeks we had with you close to my heart. I remember every single day of your life so vividly, not in a traumatic way, but in an awesome way. I hope I can continue to remember those days so vividly for the rest of my life!</div><div> </div><div> </div><div>There is a new angel in Heaven with you. A very special girl named Rylie. She had to fight a lot too while she was here. I know the two of you are buddies up there and probably playing right now! Help her watch over her mommy, daddy, and big brother while they face this hard time. They are just starting this difficult journey and I want them to find peace, as hard as that is to find in this situation.</div><div> </div><div>I love you, my sweet angel! I miss you more than anyone could ever imagine! ♥</div>Traceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18020289867613933425noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1902952142782582707.post-59308141955044446802010-01-17T00:21:00.002-05:002010-01-17T00:46:18.661-05:007 months<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEierk9DkbSOMxCRU-7mm2u4o-13bwpE0BXXTyq3PXon9noEVjMQ4iw4mCjWgJmxFwRkg2ya6aLF0zu5kFYYmvNahoeSygKLMk4f2Ktm31rhzoa5i9ofqG0DBHSBlpAn7J7UMMFrnE2lsBU/s1600-h/100_3584_edited.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5427580948653566706" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 270px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEierk9DkbSOMxCRU-7mm2u4o-13bwpE0BXXTyq3PXon9noEVjMQ4iw4mCjWgJmxFwRkg2ya6aLF0zu5kFYYmvNahoeSygKLMk4f2Ktm31rhzoa5i9ofqG0DBHSBlpAn7J7UMMFrnE2lsBU/s320/100_3584_edited.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div>This is my first late post since you left us. The 13<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">th</span> marked 7 months. Everyday has been hard but today, for some reason, has threw me through a loop.</div><br /><div>I have been trying so hard to be the mother you would have had, trying so hard to be a good wife to daddy, and a good <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Mommy</span> to your <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Go Go</span> and <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Sis Sis</span>. </div><br /><div>Today I have been so focused on what would have been, what should have been. I <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">imagined</span> you crawling around and getting into things and I would have love it if that were the case.</div><br /><div>The amount I miss you <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">is know</span> more than ever. Maybe reality has finally set in. I don't know. I was doing really well and today was a huge <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">step</span> back. Missing you is painful for sure. You belong here with us. Bottom line. In my selfish way I want you with us. I want to know what a great <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">little</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">rug rat</span> you could have be. Bringing more joy to us then you already did.</div><br /><div>We miss you so much, more now than ever. I just hate the fact that I have to live the rest of life missing you. </div><br /><div>I have been trying. Trying so hard to live for you. But it is hard and it is painful. <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">This</span> kind of stuff <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">happens</span> to other people, not to yourself.</div><br /><div>The hard part is letting go the dreams we had for you since we saw the + pregnancy test, The dreams that can't happen. We mourn those too.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>We love you so much baby girl love bug. We just want you back......although that is <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12">impossible</span>.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div>You touched <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_13">alot</span> of lives in your short life, A LOT!!!</div><br /><div>I love you so much and always ALWAYS will. You will <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_14">always</span> be my baby! Our baby. </div><br /><div></div><br /><div>I love you sweet angel. I always will!!</div>Traceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18020289867613933425noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1902952142782582707.post-76394495894689862212009-12-13T22:36:00.000-05:002009-12-14T22:49:26.701-05:00Six Months<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEha6LPKcbMj_m3Sc1AjSL1h_h0w4jgb1g_2aMFIL5NlOXCAt6nshPhh_aYpvZc7eXv8LYf1eV0MuDGfSRI0jh6TK_MeAFmhYw0BjaF9Jy2TiBr7W6_7ZVVJm6_Yt671na1xmB8BPAhImK0/s1600-h/100_2494-3.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5415304917382294546" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 279px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEha6LPKcbMj_m3Sc1AjSL1h_h0w4jgb1g_2aMFIL5NlOXCAt6nshPhh_aYpvZc7eXv8LYf1eV0MuDGfSRI0jh6TK_MeAFmhYw0BjaF9Jy2TiBr7W6_7ZVVJm6_Yt671na1xmB8BPAhImK0/s320/100_2494-3.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPs9sXaIBkFiRRKmQRqWTTK32qqCB6f6FLLQH6sxbWpUxWGuH-osaDwbAMKkSrzv45DKU4nNSEkdQngg007Oa4wROYjAjCLIx_RqdHf2xtO7n-b8JqL12HNb_7K2GzlzDmy64uiyIj9tM/s1600-h/100_2494-2.jpg"></a><br /><br /><div>I spent the day looking through your pictures and watching the little videos we took of you. It makes me angry that I can't figure out what went wrong. People that never got to see you expect to see a very sick baby when they first look at a picture. When they see how perfect and beautiful you were it amazes them that you could have been so sick. Obviously, in every photo you have a breathing tube, but even with that you were gorgeous, a very pretty baby.</div><br /><br /><div>I am not going to lie anymore Kali, this hurts really bad. I don't know how I made it this long. I didn't think I was going to make it the first 6 seconds, 6 days, 6 weeks....never thought I was going to still be standing 6 months later.</div><br /><br /><div>Some days I have to remind myself to breathe. I have to tell myself that I did all I could. I have to remind myself that I gave you every ounce of love in me so you could feel tremendous amounts. I just wish I could see you again, hold you, kiss you, rock you, and sing to you. Just one more time I want you to look at me when you hear my voice, smile for no reason, be the little cutie that only you knew how to be.</div><br /><br /><div>Missing you is an understatement. There isn't a word or words to describe the huge gut wrenching feeling losing you gives. I literally feel like pieces of me are missing, like they went with you.</div><br /><br /><div>I love you so much Kali. More than I could ever say. And I will always miss you, always love you, and always cry because I don't have you.</div></div>Traceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18020289867613933425noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1902952142782582707.post-61523534701785411832009-11-26T11:32:00.002-05:002009-11-26T11:36:02.892-05:00Happy ThanksgivingI wish you here Bug, I would have so much more to be thankful for then. I am very thankful for the time we did have with you. I realize that some people aren't lucky enough to have the time we did. But no matter how grateful and thankful I am for that time, I still miss you like crazy. My heart literally hurts because you are not here. One thing people forget is the physical pain that missing someone causes.<br />We love you baby girl, we wish you were here.....Traceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18020289867613933425noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1902952142782582707.post-10306651810184181482009-11-13T08:23:00.002-05:002009-11-14T16:41:18.492-05:005 months<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqb_ZDoKfbG-gCmMbG_sfSlhvvJavV2W0wChnVvXFwSjMST6h1e7ag6scMCykJd5926BwE4WJGZriz3OTxA1HpSMMPs5e7JR1FtaqgwSif41DRHPQIuqaiIYVUSKedDukHOS2IuDPD-Z4/s1600-h/100_1919.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5404077569367708386" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 240px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqb_ZDoKfbG-gCmMbG_sfSlhvvJavV2W0wChnVvXFwSjMST6h1e7ag6scMCykJd5926BwE4WJGZriz3OTxA1HpSMMPs5e7JR1FtaqgwSif41DRHPQIuqaiIYVUSKedDukHOS2IuDPD-Z4/s320/100_1919.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div>Five long months have gone by baby girl. The amount I miss you increases more and more. Mommy is trying to stay strong, trying to live for you each and every day. There is not a single second that goes by that you are not on my mind or in my heart.<br /><br />The holidays are coming very quickly. Last year at this time I was so excited thinking about what it would be like when you were here. Another little one to chase after, another little one to brighten up the day. It is heartbreaking that you won't physically be there with us. You will be there in our hearts though, definitely not the same.<br /><br />Your big Sis Sis has been talking about you a lot lately. You two never got to meet but she always used to give my belly kisses while you were inside it before she went bed. She would give you a kiss and "Go night Cow-ee". She misses you so much. She tells everyone that her "Cow-ee" is a pretty angel in Heaven.<br /><br />GoGo misses you too. He is such a great big brother. So proud of his job in the family. He was so excited to meet you and when he finally did he talked about it to all of his teachers for days! He was student of the week recently and the picture of you and him was displayed proudly in his case.<br /><br />Daddy misses his baby girl a lot too. He is such a good daddy and sometimes I sit here and watch him with your brother and sister and can picture him taking such good care of you. He loves you so much.<br /><br />We all love you, we miss you more than words can ever say.</div>Traceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18020289867613933425noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1902952142782582707.post-18580241479576521432009-10-13T08:53:00.003-04:002009-10-13T09:16:17.730-04:00Four Months<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxT-FDYvOyuKtPOz5DwMg2p3_SUnopsk6WM0KD9Is2LboX-f3AHsVlE9iACVxRezHY9h1uVhbnpCcqjIuxW6kwLEguLBs9Pwq_2U5lodxJwbeRlwrQtTYrB91QisUYWl46lvdz7Un_X2k/s1600-h/100_2658.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxT-FDYvOyuKtPOz5DwMg2p3_SUnopsk6WM0KD9Is2LboX-f3AHsVlE9iACVxRezHY9h1uVhbnpCcqjIuxW6kwLEguLBs9Pwq_2U5lodxJwbeRlwrQtTYrB91QisUYWl46lvdz7Un_X2k/s320/100_2658.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5392072341578182850" /></a><br />Four months have come and gone. They just sort of pass right by without me even knowing it. I have been back to work for a little more than a month and it is hard. The things some people say that they think is helpful is actually kind of painful. One lady actually said "She's probably better off now." How she walked away with her face intact is beyond me. I think I was shocked that someone would actually say that to a grieving mother. But like always, I don't say or do anything because I know it would get ugly and I'd probably lose my job, so I take the "professional" road and just walk away.<br />Hopefully we get started planning your fundraiser that I want to have on your first birthday. We only have 6 months left so we really need to get started. <br />The holidays are coming too and it's going to be really hard without you here. Last year during the holidays I kept thinking what it was going to be like with you here. I had picked out some gifts that we would get for you for Christmas. Shopping is going to be hard, celebrating anything is going to be hard.<br />October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day. Everyone is supposed to light a candle in honor of the babies that have been lost. I never knew about this day and think it is sad that something like this exists. Babies are the most precious gift and parents should not ever have to say goodbye.<br />We miss you a lot. We always will. You will always be our little baby girl!Traceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18020289867613933425noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1902952142782582707.post-89372320756520596342009-10-06T23:03:00.003-04:002009-10-06T23:19:37.130-04:00The Pain<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg73KpOJLze02uhy-MCAhD-hkcKG4Vz6kh0bk7qTSkhgZaOZKIL8iw-eDIpnaHdfDn7MnnssLkvr3IScqUq0RSHkKX5tMJLxzQScJemv5D7tNXTexl62EVBKkFdbQGFyf2H9Imug0dE2Fw/s1600-h/100_2871.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg73KpOJLze02uhy-MCAhD-hkcKG4Vz6kh0bk7qTSkhgZaOZKIL8iw-eDIpnaHdfDn7MnnssLkvr3IScqUq0RSHkKX5tMJLxzQScJemv5D7tNXTexl62EVBKkFdbQGFyf2H9Imug0dE2Fw/s320/100_2871.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5389692445656246402" /></a><br />The pain of losing you is something that can't be explained.<br />The pain of losing my hopes and dreams for you and knowing that life can't ever be the same.<br />The pain hurts differently then anything that I have ever known.<br />It is pain due to feeling that instead of burying you I should have one day seen you grown.<br />The pain of never seeing your face again when I want to so bad.<br />The pain of getting so frustrated about it and trying to be happy when deep down I am so freaking mad!<br />The pain of not having something that was so amazing and not being able to bring you back where you belong.<br />The pain of knowing that I will probably live forever and the time it will take until we are together again will be so long.<br />All of this pain that I feel everyday is worth having you here for the short moments that we were given.<br />All of this pain is worth it knowing that you are an angel Kali and I know you are watching me from Heaven.<br /><br /><br />I miss you baby each and every moment of each and every single day. You are always, always, ALWAYS in my thoughts, in my heart, and on my mind. You were so strong. You were so sweet. And you were absolutely amazing. I will always love you and you will always be my baby girl. I wish more than anything that you were able to experience a long life here with those that loved you more than words can ever say. If there was an emotion stronger than love, that is what we had for you. <br />Until we meet again my angel......♥ ♥ ♥Traceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18020289867613933425noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1902952142782582707.post-38188082225107490852009-09-13T08:52:00.003-04:002009-09-13T09:23:53.874-04:003 Months<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOznBdUEP1hx3xJHkGRsViH5IWcujQFHF5Oi51WlVBsHWbcf9Ovvythi5qtUqgyFhaV0EKHgeTEUEaKLlh9Kixylk1YWQsby-VohKG7Ty-1hvMV6zly5kC4iNX4sVAQGAAN35Fn8ym-y0/s1600-h/100_2686.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOznBdUEP1hx3xJHkGRsViH5IWcujQFHF5Oi51WlVBsHWbcf9Ovvythi5qtUqgyFhaV0EKHgeTEUEaKLlh9Kixylk1YWQsby-VohKG7Ty-1hvMV6zly5kC4iNX4sVAQGAAN35Fn8ym-y0/s320/100_2686.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5380941141320881362" /></a><br />Oh my Kali! Today is 3 months since we lost you. It is unbelievable that time is moving when I feel so frozen. Today also marks mommy and daddy's 1 year wedding anniversary and the beginning of our journey with you. You are our honeymoon baby. You were due exactly 9 months and 1 week after we got married. You made such an early arrival and left us on our 9 month anniversary. You certainly made sure that we would never forget you, forgetting you is impossible! You were such a precious and sweet baby. You mean so much to us.<br />I have been trying so hard to carry on for you. To live my life for you and not die with you. It is the hardest thing I have ever done. Most days I wish I could stay in bed, but it's just not possible! Your daddy, big brother, and big sister need me to get up.<br />I went back to work this week. That was so hard. Right after I found out I was pregnant I figured out when you were due, when I would take off for maternity leave, and when I would go back. This was the same week I would have returned to work from maternity leave. It is crushing. <br />Mommy has been very mad recently. Mad at lots of things because you can't be here with us. It is far from fair. A friend of mommy's said I probably feel cheated and she couldn't be more right. I feel VERY cheated. I feel that daddy was cheated. I feel that Darrin and Marissa were cheated. And most of all, I feel that you were cheated. <br />I love you my Kali, our little love bug! I miss you sooo much!Traceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18020289867613933425noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1902952142782582707.post-48749302496613763162009-08-13T09:42:00.004-04:002009-08-13T10:13:08.943-04:002 months without you.....<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDoH8Xy3eYPqqSU9h15XfjM9wgzqroxHpUfwvpvls03IuRVtmFMkX4qvmBEOW-C7rWaND7j8gMjaX57cYrNVymkFAaqp59pNvYpHSZILJmhR8Ix9pAbv-iY8mngB90fIyrzXk-XJRKkEU/s1600-h/100_2670.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDoH8Xy3eYPqqSU9h15XfjM9wgzqroxHpUfwvpvls03IuRVtmFMkX4qvmBEOW-C7rWaND7j8gMjaX57cYrNVymkFAaqp59pNvYpHSZILJmhR8Ix9pAbv-iY8mngB90fIyrzXk-XJRKkEU/s320/100_2670.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5369446500743092962" /></a><br />I don't even know where to start. I lived these last two months wondering what happened that day. Why did God take you home? I will wonder that forever, until my last day on this Earth I will wonder why God took you. <br />A lot of people say that everything happens for a reason. What is the reason that babies are born early? What is the reason that babies have to suffer? What is the reason that babies have to die? Why do nasty evil people get to live a long life and my sweet angel (and others like her) had to die after such a short time here?<br />I did everything I could to try to figure out why things were happening. Every night after spending the day in the NICU I would come home and research, trying to figure out what was wrong, what was the best thing to do next, and where would be the best place to do it. I would have taken you to the ends of the Earth to fix you.<br />Nothing I did worked, I couldn't protect you, and because of that I feel like I failed you. For that I am sorry Kali.<br /><br />Slowly our lives are returning to, what is now, our new "normal". I am hoping to return to work soon and to start making things easier around here. No matter what I do any day of any week you are always, and will always be, on my mind Miss Kali. I think about you often and LOVE talking about you and how you were such a precious girl, so full of life and so full of love. I remember days you would fuss and the only thing that would calm you was a little snuggle with mommy. I miss that, I miss everything! <br />You were a very special girl and you made our little family complete. I am so glad I was given the gift of you, Kali. My life will never be the same because you were in it. You taught me a lot about myself. You taught me a lot about strength, about determination, and about letting go when you don't want to.<br />I hope you are watching down on us everyday. I hope you are happy. And most of all I hope that you are at peace.<br /><br /><a href="http://s191.photobucket.com/albums/z270/mikentrace03/?action=view¤t=KalisStone.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i191.photobucket.com/albums/z270/mikentrace03/KalisStone.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a><br /><br /><a href="http://s191.photobucket.com/albums/z270/mikentrace03/?action=view¤t=KalisSite.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i191.photobucket.com/albums/z270/mikentrace03/KalisSite.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a>Traceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18020289867613933425noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1902952142782582707.post-4828929578120057542009-07-27T07:31:00.006-04:002009-07-28T17:05:24.964-04:00A Short Slideshow of Kali's lifeA picture could never capture her true beauty but I tried. I put together a little slide show of her days with us ( I wish there were more days)......we miss you!<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><div style="visibility:visible;width:460px;margin:auto"><embed src="http://flash.picturetrail.com/pflicks/3/spflick.swf" quality="high" FlashVars="ql=2&src1=http://pic60.picturetrail.com/VOL1680/12557415/flicks/1/7396562" wmode="transparent" bgcolor="#000000" width="460" height="350" name="photo_peel" align="middle" allowScriptAccess="sameDomain" style="height:350px;width:460px" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br /><p style="whitespace:no-wrap;margin-top:10px;height:24px;width:460px"><a href="http://www.picturetrail.com/misc/counter.fcgi?link=%2FphotoFlick%2Fsamples%2Fpflicks%3Dshtml&cID=924"><img align="left" src="http://pics.picturetrail.com/res/pflicks/pt.gif" border="0"></a><a href="http://www.picturetrail.com/misc/counter.fcgi?link=%2FphotoFlick%2Fsamples%2Fpflicks%3Dshtml&cID=925"><img align="left" style="margin-left:5px" src="http://pics.picturetrail.com/static/images/pt2.gif" border="0"></a></p></div>Traceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18020289867613933425noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1902952142782582707.post-62360054334992787252009-07-27T01:27:00.003-04:002009-07-27T01:50:50.499-04:00My Love Bug<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuFlbHy2OkDf6u48tPJd_0yaSJKcEs3pGnOVimGq7vKjRdGQHZKsaQPTIxgOy3HziHcjYKEcRQv8pD1JhqmHFaqQSOu4f1NU_tIVcW4YGKFizYtj0_8pKLqvCvYTcYk3SS55voiLEAdDw/s1600-h/100_2822.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuFlbHy2OkDf6u48tPJd_0yaSJKcEs3pGnOVimGq7vKjRdGQHZKsaQPTIxgOy3HziHcjYKEcRQv8pD1JhqmHFaqQSOu4f1NU_tIVcW4YGKFizYtj0_8pKLqvCvYTcYk3SS55voiLEAdDw/s320/100_2822.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5363011920793156914" /></a><br />I love you baby girl. I miss you so much. I promise that mommy and daddy (and even Go Go and Sis Sis) will live for you. You will be in our hearts and on our minds for as long as we live. You made an impact sweetheart and that can't be taken away. To the world you were one person, but to a lot of people you were the world. We love baby, that can't be said enough. You were my angel before you left this earth and you will always be what carries me through! <br />Daddy got me a kitten the other day trying to lift my spirits. I named him Charlee (which is what I wanted to name you boy or girl but daddy was against it). For some reason I called him Kali a few time. I think it's you playing through him (I swear I'm not crazy). He barely leaves my side. It sure is something!<br /><br />I started writing again because of you and here is what I've done.<br /><br /><br />Angel in Heaven<br /><br />There is an angel in Heaven<br />She is as beautiful as can be.<br />I know this angel in Heaven<br />Because she belongs to me.<br />This is a special angel in Heaven<br />She has touched hearts around the world.<br />She was an angel before she went to Heaven<br />She was my tiny little girl.<br />This special angel in Heaven<br />Lives on in all of our hearts.<br />This beautiful angel in Heaven<br />She was strong right from the start.<br />There is an angel in Heaven<br />Although she belongs here with me.<br />Do you want to know the name of this sweet angel in Heaven?<br />Her beautiful name is Kali.......<br /><br />From Kali (this is what I'd hope you would say to us to comfort our broken hearts)<br /><br /><br />Please do not cry for me Mom and Dad.<br />For I am here, do not be sad.<br />Please don't cry because I am gone.<br />I was just not meant for Earth that long.<br />Please don't cry because I am not here.<br />Don't you worry because I am near.<br />Please don't cry when my birthday nears,<br />Where I am there are no years.<br />Please don't be sad that I left this world. <br />I will always be your baby girl.<br />You gave me a good life, one filled with love.<br />I will try to do the same for you as I watch over from above.<br />Days will get easier, nights won't seem so long<br />And one day you will be able to listen to that entire song. <br />Please don't cry for me mom and dad<br />For I am here, please don't be sad.<br /><br /><br />I love you so much baby and I miss you even more. I wish I could have fixed you, but you beat all the odds all through your life. You were a trooper and you gave us a great gift.....from your the strength you showed we will be strong!Traceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18020289867613933425noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1902952142782582707.post-29349917213170885702009-07-19T20:36:00.003-04:002009-07-19T21:00:43.486-04:00A Letter to My Girl<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUwBvinKEqE4DWjL44f3PpDphIxRqTP3NxigSdOMqo6tngYTba04Q9R9NS8DbmadzFCS0dMz41b9ko3rjw47kmzqAig4PFIRU9J_s8b6rR33zNFjFz_SjY37NwouTdFhyphenhyphen5F1NjCB9J6DA/s1600-h/100_2690.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUwBvinKEqE4DWjL44f3PpDphIxRqTP3NxigSdOMqo6tngYTba04Q9R9NS8DbmadzFCS0dMz41b9ko3rjw47kmzqAig4PFIRU9J_s8b6rR33zNFjFz_SjY37NwouTdFhyphenhyphen5F1NjCB9J6DA/s320/100_2690.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5360339941659336850" /></a><br /><br />Kali, my love bug, <br />Mommy misses you more than any words could ever explain. The pain that I feel each day is the worst pain imaginable. I don't even think my heart is broken, it is shattered. You meant so much to me, to us. I just don't understand why....why did you have to be born so early? Why did you have to be born with so much wrong? And why, WHY did you have to die?? <br />You were such a strong tough little girl. You inspired so many as you overcame such huge hurdles. You surprised many doctors and nurses with how well you did. No one expected that day to come. No one expected that we would ever have to say goodbye.<br />It is so unfair that you climbed every mountain that was laid in front of you and you were still taken away. With you went all the hopes and dreams that I had for you, my baby girl. I hoped so much that you would be ok. I prayed so hard. I sat next to you everyday and watched you sleep, smile, and just be cute. I looked forward to the days where you would be driving me crazy just like your brother and sister.<br />Losing you was so unfair. If I could have fixed you I would have done it in a second. If I could have taken your place, I would have in a heartbeat. <br />It is so unfair how much you missed. You never met your older sister. You didn't get to meet a lot of those who cared and loved you so much. You missed feeling the warm sun on your skin or a warm summer breeze. You missed feeling rain on your skin and you missed seeing snow for the first time.<br />I wanted so much for you and I am so mad that all this hope is gone. I wish so badly for you to be with us again. I know it's selfish to want you back when you went through so much but I love you and need you here with me, here where you truly belong. <br />The pain from losing you gets worse as the days go on. Everything reminds me that I will never get to hold you again. I will never get to call and check on how you're doing. I'll never get to rock you and sing to you.<br />You touched my life in a way that no one has ever done before. You made my life even more blessed than it already was. I don't know why you had to go so soon. I wish I knew. I wish I knew that if I had made different choices if you would still be here with us fighting and getting better. I wish I could go back in time and change things.<br />I'm sorry I couldn't protect you and I am so so sorry that I couldn't make you better.<br />I love you baby girl. You will always, always, be in my heart and on my mind.<br /><br />I am sure that you are the brightest star in the sky and looking and down on me every day. <br /><br />Love always and FOREVER, MommyTraceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18020289867613933425noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1902952142782582707.post-81955408601548888112009-07-13T09:33:00.003-04:002009-07-13T09:44:26.478-04:00An Entire Month<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQzr5NhrBzK8w_WzyGDjtIm3IWNxGuM2owYDGUGbdjjR4AL8R_1Tlxfm0topFWF2xkHThQxzUmDsNfEj0iljnAgdv_txqGOKAfH9G9oRBXUN-edlxj1HrCc83h8utdngcZSLWzRvi-mwM/s1600-h/100_2782.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQzr5NhrBzK8w_WzyGDjtIm3IWNxGuM2owYDGUGbdjjR4AL8R_1Tlxfm0topFWF2xkHThQxzUmDsNfEj0iljnAgdv_txqGOKAfH9G9oRBXUN-edlxj1HrCc83h8utdngcZSLWzRvi-mwM/s320/100_2782.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5357939651472948354" /></a><br />Today marks an entire month that our little girl has been gone. Reality is really setting in and I hate it. This weekend was very rough. On Friday she would have 3 months old exactly, Saturday was 4 weeks since she passed, and yesterday I was full of anxiety anticipating what type of emotions I would feel today.<br />Saying that I miss my little girl is a complete understatement. I don't think that there are words to describe what I am feeling. Being without a part of you is a terrible feeling. It's like having an open void that can be filled with hate, anger, despair, or sadness if you let it. I have been trying to be in a "happy place" so that I don't get angry or depressed or get full of hate. I want to function and live for my other two children and continue to let Kali's memory live on.<br />Life has been hard. It has been strange. And it has been different. It will never be the same.Traceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18020289867613933425noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1902952142782582707.post-86808776485863764072009-07-09T21:56:00.004-04:002009-07-09T22:25:05.875-04:00Meeting<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEDf4SCheHQUwjLDi2n4LLaai0dbjUB6Rz8DbxHBbFuKlr3KO16tWZDO57pGlrT3_vi-eaZWP8TRSPLepdzx4PGF3BnkDkVlsDE1hmCco-96pm207eAmxuQkSAxjJHCJ2_DDV_9DPgmk0/s1600-h/ForKali-1.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 216px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEDf4SCheHQUwjLDi2n4LLaai0dbjUB6Rz8DbxHBbFuKlr3KO16tWZDO57pGlrT3_vi-eaZWP8TRSPLepdzx4PGF3BnkDkVlsDE1hmCco-96pm207eAmxuQkSAxjJHCJ2_DDV_9DPgmk0/s320/ForKali-1.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5356648515663600258" /></a><br />So the meeting didn't give us any medical reason as to why Kali left us so soon and so quickly. They have some "theories" as to what it could have been but aren't to convinced on any of them. They thought maybe a blood clot in her lung, maybe an infection (which was ruled out), or maybe her heart had just worked to hard for too long and gave out. They also said that an autopsy probably would not have been helpful anyway so it's not a big deal that we chose not to do one.<br />In the end the result is the same. Our girl is gone and we don't know why. It sounds silly to say that we don't know why when she had so much wrong but she was doing SO good for so long that no one expected this. <br />During the meeting there were tears, mostly from me but also from the doctors. I could tell that Kali really touched their lives, even though they still can't pronounce her name correctly ;). We gave them "In Memory" pictures that 2 friends of mine had made and also the prayer card from the funeral. They really seemed to appreciate it.<br />So at the end of the day my heart still hurts for the loss of my baby girl but I am not angry (which is very important to me). Everything that good be done for our girl was done. We were supported by them with every tough decision we made and she received great care. My daughter had the best shot possible of coming home with us. This situation just proves to me that no matter how hard we try, things like this are out of our hands. There is someone bigger than all of us out there and things go by his plan and nobody elses.<br /><br />I'd like to use this post to promote a group I organized on Facebook for Kali. So Facebook users search for the group "For the Love of Kali" for details on how we are going to continue her legacy and let her memory live on.<br /><br /><br /><a href="http://s191.photobucket.com/albums/z270/mikentrace03/?action=view¤t=KaliSiggy.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i191.photobucket.com/albums/z270/mikentrace03/KaliSiggy.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a>Traceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18020289867613933425noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1902952142782582707.post-32902503803896979912009-07-06T22:06:00.002-04:002009-07-06T22:27:57.819-04:00Meeting With Kali's Doctors This WeekAlthough we chose not to have an autopsy, the doctors reviewed Kali's "case" to see if they could come up with what caused her sudden change. We were able to set up an appointment with them for this Thursday. I am so nervous and anxious about this meeting.<br />So far I have had no anger really. I am afraid that after this meeting I will. I am terrified that they will have discovered that her death was avoidable and that if they didn't do one certain thing she would still be here with us. <br />I don't want to be angry. Anger takes up too much energy, and energy is one thing I do not have at this point in time. I just want to be at peace with whatever they have come up with and for them to tell me that no matter what happened, it was her time. I will defintely update this blog after the meeting.<br />I am hoping that this all becomes much easier to deal with. I have been trying to do things that I enjoyed before and they just don't feel the same. This past weekend was hard because we got together for a picnic and it just didn't feel right knowing that she would never enjoy times like that. I kept thinking that if the pregnancy had been normal and she was healthy, she would have only been a couple weeks old and I would have been holding a sleeping baby girl in my arms during the picnic, not mourning her.<br />I miss my little angel so much.Traceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18020289867613933425noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1902952142782582707.post-85741540441639157772009-06-27T11:08:00.002-04:002009-06-27T11:19:38.941-04:00It's Been 2 WeeksLife without Kali SUCKS! I don't know how else to describe it. I have always had a hard time being away from my children and knowing that I have to spend the rest of my life without her tears me apart. How the heck am I supposed to stay sane?<br />The only reason I get out of bed everyday and live is because of Darrin, Marissa, and Mike. Yes, life must go on...but it will never ever be the same. My greatest fear was losing a child. I used to have extreme anxiety over it long before Kali came along. Now it is my reality. <br />There are so many what ifs surrounding this entire situation. I know in my heart we did everything right by Kali, I don't regret any decision that we made regarding her. I just wonder how things would have turned out had we taken different paths. <br />The way this plays with my mind is unbelievable. I feel like I am living a nightmare and am still waiting to wake up. I have felt like I've been in a nightmare since February when we found out that Kali was going to have problems. Four months of never feeling like I'm awake. Every night I go to sleep hoping that when I wake up it is all over and was just a horrible dream. <br />I miss Kali so much. I think about her all of the time. I wish she was here. I know she will always be with me in spirit and in my heart. But I am a selfish mommy and I want her with me physically. I want her to be a healthy baby. I want to hold her and kiss her. I want to play with her feet and I want her little hand to wrap around my finger again.<br />Never in a million years would I expect this to be my life....Traceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18020289867613933425noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1902952142782582707.post-6672573459528014522009-06-25T11:28:00.002-04:002009-06-25T11:32:21.883-04:00Kali on Children's Miracle Network VideoThe day after Kali's first surgery (when she was exactly one week old) we were asked to sign a consent so that they could use images that someone recorded of Kali for the Children's Miracle Network telethon. The telethon didn't come on for another 6 weeks or so. I kind of forgot about it and never watched. The other day I went on the Hershey Medical website and looked to see if they had any videos to see if I could find one with her and I did. This is the video, she comes on when the bideo gets to around 1 minute and 33 seconds. She was very sick that day and was breathing fast, is laying on her back and has her shades on.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/6SIv_VgAfHA&hl=en&fs=1&color1=0x402061&color2=0x9461ca"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/6SIv_VgAfHA&hl=en&fs=1&color1=0x402061&color2=0x9461ca" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object>Traceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18020289867613933425noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1902952142782582707.post-29219581706188236882009-06-19T12:15:00.001-04:002009-06-19T12:17:56.445-04:00In Memory Of Our Little Girl<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSP7clU9gEswksTErsynMloYwt9wWdz5lGF5TqZtNOysrFuxl1p1ikkRPP7SeyHVh89m4SokezLpnpOsNVlDEksQ6N3p7vHRRzexxnG5DQZMgszIBExsYa5Uj-N1HJQlwlnSn4f1MDt1k/s1600-h/mykali.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSP7clU9gEswksTErsynMloYwt9wWdz5lGF5TqZtNOysrFuxl1p1ikkRPP7SeyHVh89m4SokezLpnpOsNVlDEksQ6N3p7vHRRzexxnG5DQZMgszIBExsYa5Uj-N1HJQlwlnSn4f1MDt1k/s320/mykali.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5349073647446466386" /></a>Traceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18020289867613933425noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1902952142782582707.post-68144697740405261842009-06-15T17:23:00.002-04:002009-06-15T17:26:25.029-04:00Kali's ObituaryKali's obituary is on the funeral home's website www.thompsonfuneralhomelebanon.com. It will also be in our local paper tomorrow and can be found on their website after 10 am ldnews.com.<br /><br />Thank you for all of your condolences. I hope as many as possible can fill that building on Wednesday to show our little angel some love!Traceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18020289867613933425noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1902952142782582707.post-44069798148196728032009-06-13T21:27:00.003-04:002009-06-14T09:17:46.865-04:00The Post I Never Thought I'd Have To WriteWe lost our Kali today. She was doing so well last night and this morning. We had left the hospital around 9:30 this morning after spending all night there. We came home to shower and spend time with the other kids. Around 1:30 or so I felt that we really needed to get there. When we got there she had taken a turn for the worse and coded again. I knew yesterday that if it happened again that she wouldn't make it.<br />Things were just getting worse and worse. We didn't want to tell them to stop but we knew that they probably should. I held her hand the whole time and told her how much I loved her. The doctor came over to the side of the bed we were on and said that they had done all they could do and if she were to survive she probably wouldn't have any brain function because her oxygen was so low for so long. We asked them to stop. They took out her breathing tube and put her in my arms. She died peacefully in my arms with Mike right there with me.<br />The heartbreak of this of course is still fresh but it is comforting in a way to know that she died on her terms and not on someone elses time line.<br />Kali is our angel and it is no question that she will forever be loved, not only by us but by people who supported us, some of who I never met in real life. She was a special special girl. She was with us on Earth for 64 days and 13 hours and we are blessed that we had that amount of time to show her our unconditional love.<br /><br /><br />Kali Alexa Deitzler 4/10/2009 - 6/13/2009 Forever in our hearts, our own personal angel.Traceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18020289867613933425noreply@blogger.com23