Sunday, June 13, 2010

One Year

Today marks one full year that you have been gone. One full year of living with tremendous heartache and pain.

I hate thinking about what was taking place one year ago today. Reliving it is so painful. The day we had to say goodbye to our baby, our angel. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.

How I have made it one year without you is beyond me. How I pushed through every moment, every day, knowing that I can no longer see your precious face, your precious smile. Knowing that I can no longer hold you, sing to you, and cuddle you. And I have to continue on for make you proud... So you can look down and say "That's my mommy!".

I miss you more than any words could ever explain. But I know deep down that you can feel my love that I have for you.

You took a piece of me, a piece of daddy, and piece of all our friends and family the day you went away.

You will be remembered forever by the many who knew of you. The many hearts you touched, who still carry you with them today.

Such a tiny little girl who lived too short of a life, made a huge impact on the world.

I love you so much baby girl.....I always will. You are my special angel and I will miss you forever.

Until we meet again.......

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Happy First Birthday in Heaven Love Bug!

Today is your first birthday. It makes us all so sad that you are not here to share it with us! What a party it would have been! Instead, we will have a different kind of party to raise money to help sick babies and children.

I can't believe that this day is really here! I can't believe that one year ago today we were blessed with such a tiny angel who fought so hard! A perfect child in our eyes, a little baby girl that stole our hearts!

I wish that you were still here! I wish that I could hold you again. I often wonder what you would look like right now. I think you would look a lotlike your big sister! You looked so much like her as a newborn that it only makes sense. Sometimes when I look at her, I get a glimpse of you.

We miss you so much baby! I hope you can feel our love in Heaven! Happy Birthday Kali!

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Kiss from your sister

We stopped by the cemetery today to check on things and to say hi. Marissa gave you a kiss before we left. It both warmed my heart and shattered it at the same time. You big sister loves you so much and talks about you everyday. Whenever we see flowers she asks if they are for you. It just rips my heart apart that you two never met in this life. She never got to kiss your cheek or talk to you.
For a girl she never met, she sure is in love with you!!!
I miss you so much Kali!

Saturday, March 13, 2010

9 months

As I sat here looking at your pictures (and some videos) trying to decide which one to put on this month's post, I couldn't help but cry, smile, laugh, and cry some more. You were an amazing little girlie! Looking at each one I could remember the days we spent there with you. I could remember the machines beeping, the phone call we had to make asking to come back to see you, the other babies crying.....never knowing that this would be our outcome.
We so badly wanted you to come home. We wanted you to be surrounded by all of us and feel all the love our huge family can bring. You have so many aunts, uncles, cousins, and little friends, in addition to us, your big brother and sister, and your grandparents. The love each of us has for you runs deep, it always will.
I know it is coming, but I cannot believe that your birthday is only a month away! It seems like yesterday that I was in the hospital on bedrest and giving birth to you. It seems like only yesterday that I held your little hand and touched your little toes....I wish it was only yesterday and I wish I could still do it today.
I never thought that the party I would be planning for your first birthday would be in your memory and not with you physically here. It is going to be a tough day. But, in case you didn't notice, your mommy is very stubborn and determined in making things happen. I will get through that day, missing you greatly, as I do everyday, but at the same time I feel I will be at peace with the outcome of your big event.
You are a special girl little love bug. You have touched a lot of hearts. You have meant, and do mean, a lot of things to a lot of people.
I love you baby girl! Please smile down on us when you get the chance!

Saturday, February 13, 2010

8 Months Of Missing You

I am sure I have said it before that my heart hurts, every single day. Although I have learned how to function with this pain, no matter how many times I laugh or smile, the pain is always there. I guess it will be there forever.
Today has been 8 months since the worst day of my life. I would have rather had all my limbs torn from my body then have had you torn from my world. It sucks. I know that no amount of physical pain tops the emotional pain we feel from losing you.
This month seems to be especially hard as I think back to where we were last year at this time. My pregnancy to this point had been uneventful, aside from the unrelenting nausea, that I had with your Go Go and Sis Sis's pregnancies as well. On February 18th Daddy and I went for the "BIG" ultrasound. We were going to see our little bug and find out if you were a boy or a girl. I swore that you were a boy, I don't know why. Obviously, I was wrong (I don't admit that often, and never to Daddy, so that is a secret)! We were told that everything was "perfect". I will never forget that.
The following day the nurse called and said they only saw the two vessels in your cord, instead of the normal three. I needed to have further testing, but the nurse said "9 times out of 10 the baby is perfectly healthy so don't worry too much". On February 24th, the day before my 28th birthday, we met with the fetal cardiologist to see if you had any heart problems (one of the common issues that can arise with babies who have a 2 vessel cord). That is when our world changed forever.
The doctor brought up termination. I wanted to punch him in his face. He couldn't even confirm your heart problems and that was never an option for us anyway. I knew that you were a fighter! I worked night shift a lot through my pregnancy with you and you would stay awake kicking and squirming, keeping me company through my shift. If had a bad night at work, you would move even more! Your kicks and movements were relaxing! It was always my favorite part of being pregnant. And you always let me know you were there. There was no way we were giving up on you! We never did. We fought until the end, until you told us that you were ready to go.
For some reason I knew that day that we would say goodbye. It was just a nagging feeling that I tried to ignore. You had that rough day before, but you were doing so well so I thought I was just overly paranoid. We didn't plan on coming back to visit you that day until later in the evening, but I got this overwhelming anxiety and just knew we had to get there sooner.
I had kept in contact with your nurse, Rachel, all day. You were behaving yourself, but I just couldn't shake the feeling. When we got there, you went from good to bad pretty quickly, and then it was over. It was as if you waited for me and Daddy so you could say goodbye. I am grateful that we were there to hold your hand as they fought so hard to keep you with us. But you knew it was time to go.
I talked to your other nurse, Terri, and she told me that a few days before she knew you were getting ready. You didn't show any physical signs, she just knew. She is like the baby whisperer, people may think that is crazy, but I know what she was saying. She also told me that she felt that you chose Daddy and me to be your parents. That when God was getting ready to send you to us, He told you that you wouldn't be here for long and that you were ok with that. You picked us because you knew we would give you the love and care you needed and you would give us all that love in return.
You gave us an amazing gift. You taught us so much about love, strength, and family bond. Your memory has held us together and allowed us to push through the painful times. We feel that if our little Bug could go through what you did, we can go through whatever life throws at us, head on, and come out on the other side, still standing, still in one piece, and still with you on our side!
You have inspired many, some of who I have never met, to live life to the fullest and to not take for granted the little ones they have been blessed with. I wish all of those people could have met you.
When I look at your pictures I am always amazed at how perfect you looked on the outside. Such a cute baby (good genes from your Mommy!!) and even with all of the things you had attached, your cuteness is what everyone noticed first. You knew how to rock those "accessories"!
I will always miss you , Kali. I will always think of you, everyday. I will always hold those special 9 weeks we had with you close to my heart. I remember every single day of your life so vividly, not in a traumatic way, but in an awesome way. I hope I can continue to remember those days so vividly for the rest of my life!
There is a new angel in Heaven with you. A very special girl named Rylie. She had to fight a lot too while she was here. I know the two of you are buddies up there and probably playing right now! Help her watch over her mommy, daddy, and big brother while they face this hard time. They are just starting this difficult journey and I want them to find peace, as hard as that is to find in this situation.
I love you, my sweet angel! I miss you more than anyone could ever imagine! ♥

Sunday, January 17, 2010

7 months

This is my first late post since you left us. The 13th marked 7 months. Everyday has been hard but today, for some reason, has threw me through a loop.

I have been trying so hard to be the mother you would have had, trying so hard to be a good wife to daddy, and a good Mommy to your Go Go and Sis Sis.

Today I have been so focused on what would have been, what should have been. I imagined you crawling around and getting into things and I would have love it if that were the case.

The amount I miss you is know more than ever. Maybe reality has finally set in. I don't know. I was doing really well and today was a huge step back. Missing you is painful for sure. You belong here with us. Bottom line. In my selfish way I want you with us. I want to know what a great little rug rat you could have be. Bringing more joy to us then you already did.

We miss you so much, more now than ever. I just hate the fact that I have to live the rest of life missing you.

I have been trying. Trying so hard to live for you. But it is hard and it is painful. This kind of stuff happens to other people, not to yourself.

The hard part is letting go the dreams we had for you since we saw the + pregnancy test, The dreams that can't happen. We mourn those too.

We love you so much baby girl love bug. We just want you back......although that is impossible.

You touched alot of lives in your short life, A LOT!!!

I love you so much and always ALWAYS will. You will always be my baby! Our baby.

I love you sweet angel. I always will!!