Thursday, August 13, 2009
I don't even know where to start. I lived these last two months wondering what happened that day. Why did God take you home? I will wonder that forever, until my last day on this Earth I will wonder why God took you.
A lot of people say that everything happens for a reason. What is the reason that babies are born early? What is the reason that babies have to suffer? What is the reason that babies have to die? Why do nasty evil people get to live a long life and my sweet angel (and others like her) had to die after such a short time here?
I did everything I could to try to figure out why things were happening. Every night after spending the day in the NICU I would come home and research, trying to figure out what was wrong, what was the best thing to do next, and where would be the best place to do it. I would have taken you to the ends of the Earth to fix you.
Nothing I did worked, I couldn't protect you, and because of that I feel like I failed you. For that I am sorry Kali.
Slowly our lives are returning to, what is now, our new "normal". I am hoping to return to work soon and to start making things easier around here. No matter what I do any day of any week you are always, and will always be, on my mind Miss Kali. I think about you often and LOVE talking about you and how you were such a precious girl, so full of life and so full of love. I remember days you would fuss and the only thing that would calm you was a little snuggle with mommy. I miss that, I miss everything!
You were a very special girl and you made our little family complete. I am so glad I was given the gift of you, Kali. My life will never be the same because you were in it. You taught me a lot about myself. You taught me a lot about strength, about determination, and about letting go when you don't want to.
I hope you are watching down on us everyday. I hope you are happy. And most of all I hope that you are at peace.