Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Four Months

Four months have come and gone. They just sort of pass right by without me even knowing it. I have been back to work for a little more than a month and it is hard. The things some people say that they think is helpful is actually kind of painful. One lady actually said "She's probably better off now." How she walked away with her face intact is beyond me. I think I was shocked that someone would actually say that to a grieving mother. But like always, I don't say or do anything because I know it would get ugly and I'd probably lose my job, so I take the "professional" road and just walk away.
Hopefully we get started planning your fundraiser that I want to have on your first birthday. We only have 6 months left so we really need to get started.
The holidays are coming too and it's going to be really hard without you here. Last year during the holidays I kept thinking what it was going to be like with you here. I had picked out some gifts that we would get for you for Christmas. Shopping is going to be hard, celebrating anything is going to be hard.
October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day. Everyone is supposed to light a candle in honor of the babies that have been lost. I never knew about this day and think it is sad that something like this exists. Babies are the most precious gift and parents should not ever have to say goodbye.
We miss you a lot. We always will. You will always be our little baby girl!

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

The Pain

The pain of losing you is something that can't be explained.
The pain of losing my hopes and dreams for you and knowing that life can't ever be the same.
The pain hurts differently then anything that I have ever known.
It is pain due to feeling that instead of burying you I should have one day seen you grown.
The pain of never seeing your face again when I want to so bad.
The pain of getting so frustrated about it and trying to be happy when deep down I am so freaking mad!
The pain of not having something that was so amazing and not being able to bring you back where you belong.
The pain of knowing that I will probably live forever and the time it will take until we are together again will be so long.
All of this pain that I feel everyday is worth having you here for the short moments that we were given.
All of this pain is worth it knowing that you are an angel Kali and I know you are watching me from Heaven.

I miss you baby each and every moment of each and every single day. You are always, always, ALWAYS in my thoughts, in my heart, and on my mind. You were so strong. You were so sweet. And you were absolutely amazing. I will always love you and you will always be my baby girl. I wish more than anything that you were able to experience a long life here with those that loved you more than words can ever say. If there was an emotion stronger than love, that is what we had for you.
Until we meet again my angel......♥ ♥ ♥