Sunday, December 13, 2009

Six Months

I spent the day looking through your pictures and watching the little videos we took of you. It makes me angry that I can't figure out what went wrong. People that never got to see you expect to see a very sick baby when they first look at a picture. When they see how perfect and beautiful you were it amazes them that you could have been so sick. Obviously, in every photo you have a breathing tube, but even with that you were gorgeous, a very pretty baby.

I am not going to lie anymore Kali, this hurts really bad. I don't know how I made it this long. I didn't think I was going to make it the first 6 seconds, 6 days, 6 weeks....never thought I was going to still be standing 6 months later.

Some days I have to remind myself to breathe. I have to tell myself that I did all I could. I have to remind myself that I gave you every ounce of love in me so you could feel tremendous amounts. I just wish I could see you again, hold you, kiss you, rock you, and sing to you. Just one more time I want you to look at me when you hear my voice, smile for no reason, be the little cutie that only you knew how to be.

Missing you is an understatement. There isn't a word or words to describe the huge gut wrenching feeling losing you gives. I literally feel like pieces of me are missing, like they went with you.

I love you so much Kali. More than I could ever say. And I will always miss you, always love you, and always cry because I don't have you.


  1. You are so strong and an amazing mama. I have just began this awful journey and I get inspired by people like you. We all hurt for our sweet angels and it will never make sense as to why this had to happen to us. I am really sorry you are heart is forever broken, sending ((hugs)) your way!

  2. just had your first Christmas with Jesus! I thought of you that day, I think of you every day. Send some strength to mommy and daddy. It's a tough go for them you know. Big hugs baby girl.