Saturday, February 13, 2010

8 Months Of Missing You

I am sure I have said it before that my heart hurts, every single day. Although I have learned how to function with this pain, no matter how many times I laugh or smile, the pain is always there. I guess it will be there forever.
Today has been 8 months since the worst day of my life. I would have rather had all my limbs torn from my body then have had you torn from my world. It sucks. I know that no amount of physical pain tops the emotional pain we feel from losing you.
This month seems to be especially hard as I think back to where we were last year at this time. My pregnancy to this point had been uneventful, aside from the unrelenting nausea, that I had with your Go Go and Sis Sis's pregnancies as well. On February 18th Daddy and I went for the "BIG" ultrasound. We were going to see our little bug and find out if you were a boy or a girl. I swore that you were a boy, I don't know why. Obviously, I was wrong (I don't admit that often, and never to Daddy, so that is a secret)! We were told that everything was "perfect". I will never forget that.
The following day the nurse called and said they only saw the two vessels in your cord, instead of the normal three. I needed to have further testing, but the nurse said "9 times out of 10 the baby is perfectly healthy so don't worry too much". On February 24th, the day before my 28th birthday, we met with the fetal cardiologist to see if you had any heart problems (one of the common issues that can arise with babies who have a 2 vessel cord). That is when our world changed forever.
The doctor brought up termination. I wanted to punch him in his face. He couldn't even confirm your heart problems and that was never an option for us anyway. I knew that you were a fighter! I worked night shift a lot through my pregnancy with you and you would stay awake kicking and squirming, keeping me company through my shift. If had a bad night at work, you would move even more! Your kicks and movements were relaxing! It was always my favorite part of being pregnant. And you always let me know you were there. There was no way we were giving up on you! We never did. We fought until the end, until you told us that you were ready to go.
For some reason I knew that day that we would say goodbye. It was just a nagging feeling that I tried to ignore. You had that rough day before, but you were doing so well so I thought I was just overly paranoid. We didn't plan on coming back to visit you that day until later in the evening, but I got this overwhelming anxiety and just knew we had to get there sooner.
I had kept in contact with your nurse, Rachel, all day. You were behaving yourself, but I just couldn't shake the feeling. When we got there, you went from good to bad pretty quickly, and then it was over. It was as if you waited for me and Daddy so you could say goodbye. I am grateful that we were there to hold your hand as they fought so hard to keep you with us. But you knew it was time to go.
I talked to your other nurse, Terri, and she told me that a few days before she knew you were getting ready. You didn't show any physical signs, she just knew. She is like the baby whisperer, people may think that is crazy, but I know what she was saying. She also told me that she felt that you chose Daddy and me to be your parents. That when God was getting ready to send you to us, He told you that you wouldn't be here for long and that you were ok with that. You picked us because you knew we would give you the love and care you needed and you would give us all that love in return.
You gave us an amazing gift. You taught us so much about love, strength, and family bond. Your memory has held us together and allowed us to push through the painful times. We feel that if our little Bug could go through what you did, we can go through whatever life throws at us, head on, and come out on the other side, still standing, still in one piece, and still with you on our side!
You have inspired many, some of who I have never met, to live life to the fullest and to not take for granted the little ones they have been blessed with. I wish all of those people could have met you.
When I look at your pictures I am always amazed at how perfect you looked on the outside. Such a cute baby (good genes from your Mommy!!) and even with all of the things you had attached, your cuteness is what everyone noticed first. You knew how to rock those "accessories"!
I will always miss you , Kali. I will always think of you, everyday. I will always hold those special 9 weeks we had with you close to my heart. I remember every single day of your life so vividly, not in a traumatic way, but in an awesome way. I hope I can continue to remember those days so vividly for the rest of my life!
There is a new angel in Heaven with you. A very special girl named Rylie. She had to fight a lot too while she was here. I know the two of you are buddies up there and probably playing right now! Help her watch over her mommy, daddy, and big brother while they face this hard time. They are just starting this difficult journey and I want them to find peace, as hard as that is to find in this situation.
I love you, my sweet angel! I miss you more than anyone could ever imagine! ♥


  1. Tracey,

    That was beautiful. Kali continues to inspire me, as do you. Love you.

  2. What a beautiful post. Sending you big ((HUGS)).