It's Been 2 Weeks

Life without Kali SUCKS! I don't know how else to describe it. I have always had a hard time being away from my children and knowing that I have to spend the rest of my life without her tears me apart. How the heck am I supposed to stay sane?
The only reason I get out of bed everyday and live is because of Darrin, Marissa, and Mike. Yes, life must go on...but it will never ever be the same. My greatest fear was losing a child. I used to have extreme anxiety over it long before Kali came along. Now it is my reality.
There are so many what ifs surrounding this entire situation. I know in my heart we did everything right by Kali, I don't regret any decision that we made regarding her. I just wonder how things would have turned out had we taken different paths.
The way this plays with my mind is unbelievable. I feel like I am living a nightmare and am still waiting to wake up. I have felt like I've been in a nightmare since February when we found out that Kali was going to have problems. Four months of never feeling like I'm awake. Every night I go to sleep hoping that when I wake up it is all over and was just a horrible dream.
I miss Kali so much. I think about her all of the time. I wish she was here. I know she will always be with me in spirit and in my heart. But I am a selfish mommy and I want her with me physically. I want her to be a healthy baby. I want to hold her and kiss her. I want to play with her feet and I want her little hand to wrap around my finger again.
Never in a million years would I expect this to be my life....