Monday, July 6, 2009

Meeting With Kali's Doctors This Week

Although we chose not to have an autopsy, the doctors reviewed Kali's "case" to see if they could come up with what caused her sudden change. We were able to set up an appointment with them for this Thursday. I am so nervous and anxious about this meeting.
So far I have had no anger really. I am afraid that after this meeting I will. I am terrified that they will have discovered that her death was avoidable and that if they didn't do one certain thing she would still be here with us.
I don't want to be angry. Anger takes up too much energy, and energy is one thing I do not have at this point in time. I just want to be at peace with whatever they have come up with and for them to tell me that no matter what happened, it was her time. I will defintely update this blog after the meeting.
I am hoping that this all becomes much easier to deal with. I have been trying to do things that I enjoyed before and they just don't feel the same. This past weekend was hard because we got together for a picnic and it just didn't feel right knowing that she would never enjoy times like that. I kept thinking that if the pregnancy had been normal and she was healthy, she would have only been a couple weeks old and I would have been holding a sleeping baby girl in my arms during the picnic, not mourning her.
I miss my little angel so much.

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