3 Months

Oh my Kali! Today is 3 months since we lost you. It is unbelievable that time is moving when I feel so frozen. Today also marks mommy and daddy's 1 year wedding anniversary and the beginning of our journey with you. You are our honeymoon baby. You were due exactly 9 months and 1 week after we got married. You made such an early arrival and left us on our 9 month anniversary. You certainly made sure that we would never forget you, forgetting you is impossible! You were such a precious and sweet baby. You mean so much to us.
I have been trying so hard to carry on for you. To live my life for you and not die with you. It is the hardest thing I have ever done. Most days I wish I could stay in bed, but it's just not possible! Your daddy, big brother, and big sister need me to get up.
I went back to work this week. That was so hard. Right after I found out I was pregnant I figured out when you were due, when I would take off for maternity leave, and when I would go back. This was the same week I would have returned to work from maternity leave. It is crushing.
Mommy has been very mad recently. Mad at lots of things because you can't be here with us. It is far from fair. A friend of mommy's said I probably feel cheated and she couldn't be more right. I feel VERY cheated. I feel that daddy was cheated. I feel that Darrin and Marissa were cheated. And most of all, I feel that you were cheated.
I love you my Kali, our little love bug! I miss you sooo much!

2 months without you.....

I don't even know where to start. I lived these last two months wondering what happened that day. Why did God take you home? I will wonder that forever, until my last day on this Earth I will wonder why God took you.
A lot of people say that everything happens for a reason. What is the reason that babies are born early? What is the reason that babies have to suffer? What is the reason that babies have to die? Why do nasty evil people get to live a long life and my sweet angel (and others like her) had to die after such a short time here?
I did everything I could to try to figure out why things were happening. Every night after spending the day in the NICU I would come home and research, trying to figure out what was wrong, what was the best thing to do next, and where would be the best place to do it. I would have taken you to the ends of the Earth to fix you.
Nothing I did worked, I couldn't protect you, and because of that I feel like I failed you. For that I am sorry Kali.

Slowly our lives are returning to, what is now, our new "normal". I am hoping to return to work soon and to start making things easier around here. No matter what I do any day of any week you are always, and will always be, on my mind Miss Kali. I think about you often and LOVE talking about you and how you were such a precious girl, so full of life and so full of love. I remember days you would fuss and the only thing that would calm you was a little snuggle with mommy. I miss that, I miss everything!
You were a very special girl and you made our little family complete. I am so glad I was given the gift of you, Kali. My life will never be the same because you were in it. You taught me a lot about myself. You taught me a lot about strength, about determination, and about letting go when you don't want to.
I hope you are watching down on us everyday. I hope you are happy. And most of all I hope that you are at peace.

A Short Slideshow of Kali's life

A picture could never capture her true beauty but I tried. I put together a little slide show of her days with us ( I wish there were more days)......we miss you!

My Love Bug

I love you baby girl. I miss you so much. I promise that mommy and daddy (and even Go Go and Sis Sis) will live for you. You will be in our hearts and on our minds for as long as we live. You made an impact sweetheart and that can't be taken away. To the world you were one person, but to a lot of people you were the world. We love baby, that can't be said enough. You were my angel before you left this earth and you will always be what carries me through!
Daddy got me a kitten the other day trying to lift my spirits. I named him Charlee (which is what I wanted to name you boy or girl but daddy was against it). For some reason I called him Kali a few time. I think it's you playing through him (I swear I'm not crazy). He barely leaves my side. It sure is something!

I started writing again because of you and here is what I've done.


Angel in Heaven

There is an angel in Heaven
She is as beautiful as can be.
I know this angel in Heaven
Because she belongs to me.
This is a special angel in Heaven
She has touched hearts around the world.
She was an angel before she went to Heaven
She was my tiny little girl.
This special angel in Heaven
Lives on in all of our hearts.
This beautiful angel in Heaven
She was strong right from the start.
There is an angel in Heaven
Although she belongs here with me.
Do you want to know the name of this sweet angel in Heaven?
Her beautiful name is Kali.......

From Kali (this is what I'd hope you would say to us to comfort our broken hearts)


Please do not cry for me Mom and Dad.
For I am here, do not be sad.
Please don't cry because I am gone.
I was just not meant for Earth that long.
Please don't cry because I am not here.
Don't you worry because I am near.
Please don't cry when my birthday nears,
Where I am there are no years.
Please don't be sad that I left this world.
I will always be your baby girl.
You gave me a good life, one filled with love.
I will try to do the same for you as I watch over from above.
Days will get easier, nights won't seem so long
And one day you will be able to listen to that entire song.
Please don't cry for me mom and dad
For I am here, please don't be sad.


I love you so much baby and I miss you even more. I wish I could have fixed you, but you beat all the odds all through your life. You were a trooper and you gave us a great gift.....from your the strength you showed we will be strong!

A Letter to My Girl

Kali, my love bug,
Mommy misses you more than any words could ever explain. The pain that I feel each day is the worst pain imaginable. I don't even think my heart is broken, it is shattered. You meant so much to me, to us. I just don't understand why....why did you have to be born so early? Why did you have to be born with so much wrong? And why, WHY did you have to die??
You were such a strong tough little girl. You inspired so many as you overcame such huge hurdles. You surprised many doctors and nurses with how well you did. No one expected that day to come. No one expected that we would ever have to say goodbye.
It is so unfair that you climbed every mountain that was laid in front of you and you were still taken away. With you went all the hopes and dreams that I had for you, my baby girl. I hoped so much that you would be ok. I prayed so hard. I sat next to you everyday and watched you sleep, smile, and just be cute. I looked forward to the days where you would be driving me crazy just like your brother and sister.
Losing you was so unfair. If I could have fixed you I would have done it in a second. If I could have taken your place, I would have in a heartbeat.
It is so unfair how much you missed. You never met your older sister. You didn't get to meet a lot of those who cared and loved you so much. You missed feeling the warm sun on your skin or a warm summer breeze. You missed feeling rain on your skin and you missed seeing snow for the first time.
I wanted so much for you and I am so mad that all this hope is gone. I wish so badly for you to be with us again. I know it's selfish to want you back when you went through so much but I love you and need you here with me, here where you truly belong.
The pain from losing you gets worse as the days go on. Everything reminds me that I will never get to hold you again. I will never get to call and check on how you're doing. I'll never get to rock you and sing to you.
You touched my life in a way that no one has ever done before. You made my life even more blessed than it already was. I don't know why you had to go so soon. I wish I knew. I wish I knew that if I had made different choices if you would still be here with us fighting and getting better. I wish I could go back in time and change things.
I'm sorry I couldn't protect you and I am so so sorry that I couldn't make you better.
I love you baby girl. You will always, always, be in my heart and on my mind.

I am sure that you are the brightest star in the sky and looking and down on me every day.

Love always and FOREVER, Mommy

An Entire Month

Today marks an entire month that our little girl has been gone. Reality is really setting in and I hate it. This weekend was very rough. On Friday she would have 3 months old exactly, Saturday was 4 weeks since she passed, and yesterday I was full of anxiety anticipating what type of emotions I would feel today.
Saying that I miss my little girl is a complete understatement. I don't think that there are words to describe what I am feeling. Being without a part of you is a terrible feeling. It's like having an open void that can be filled with hate, anger, despair, or sadness if you let it. I have been trying to be in a "happy place" so that I don't get angry or depressed or get full of hate. I want to function and live for my other two children and continue to let Kali's memory live on.
Life has been hard. It has been strange. And it has been different. It will never be the same.

Meeting

So the meeting didn't give us any medical reason as to why Kali left us so soon and so quickly. They have some "theories" as to what it could have been but aren't to convinced on any of them. They thought maybe a blood clot in her lung, maybe an infection (which was ruled out), or maybe her heart had just worked to hard for too long and gave out. They also said that an autopsy probably would not have been helpful anyway so it's not a big deal that we chose not to do one.
In the end the result is the same. Our girl is gone and we don't know why. It sounds silly to say that we don't know why when she had so much wrong but she was doing SO good for so long that no one expected this.
During the meeting there were tears, mostly from me but also from the doctors. I could tell that Kali really touched their lives, even though they still can't pronounce her name correctly ;). We gave them "In Memory" pictures that 2 friends of mine had made and also the prayer card from the funeral. They really seemed to appreciate it.
So at the end of the day my heart still hurts for the loss of my baby girl but I am not angry (which is very important to me). Everything that good be done for our girl was done. We were supported by them with every tough decision we made and she received great care. My daughter had the best shot possible of coming home with us. This situation just proves to me that no matter how hard we try, things like this are out of our hands. There is someone bigger than all of us out there and things go by his plan and nobody elses.

I'd like to use this post to promote a group I organized on Facebook for Kali. So Facebook users search for the group "For the Love of Kali" for details on how we are going to continue her legacy and let her memory live on.